10 things I never thought I would hear myself say …

IMG_0222Until I became a mother, that is. This post needs no introduction really. If you are a parent, you will have heard many weird and wonderful things come out of your mouth when you are talking to your kids. Here are 10 of my personal favourites; unbelievably, these are all things I have said to my kids at some time over the last six and a half years.

1. The song is actually called Hark the Herald Angels Sing, not Hark the Hairy Angels Sing.

2. Perhaps tomorrow night I’ll just feed crayons to you as you seem to like them so much better than normal food.

3. Just what I’ve always wanted. A snail shell for my birthday. How thoughtful.

4. I’m not sure why your Ken doll doesn’t have a willy. Perhaps he’s wearing plastic underpants and he has a willy underneath those?

5. It might be hard to be Cinderella when you grow up. I think that position is already taken.

6. No, they’re not earplugs darling. They’re called tampons. Best we take them out of your ears now.

7. Yes, that bottle of yellow nail polish is lovely, I just don’t have enough money to buy any for myself today.

8. Please take your fork out of your eye.

9. I would love to wear the pasta necklace you made for me when I go out to dinner tonight but I accidentally broke it.

10. No, if you step off the ledge you won’t bounce. Balls bounce. Little boys just break.

What about you? What absolute treasures have sprung from your mouth all in the name of parenting? I’d love to hear!

10 comments

  1. marlish glorie

    My children are much older than yours Natasha. They’re twenty-seven and twenty-four respectively. My daughter lives away from home and our son Tom still lives at home and has shown no interest in moving out nor does he have a girlfriend. I’ve heard myself say,(to my horror), “Yours is going to be an arrange marriage. And it’ll be to the woman of my dreams.” Also if he goes to any parties, the next morning…I’ve heard myself tentatively ask – “Any nice girls there.”

    • Glen Hunting

      I think you need to be a lot more irritating, Marlish, or a lot less accomodating. Try serving cold dinners, turning on the kitchen hot tap while he’s in the shower, and charging rent on the washing machine (or on Mum’s Laundry Service, if it still exists.) He should get the message eventually.

    • I was hoping it might stop in a few years when they are a bit older but it seems I’m destined to be saying peculiar things for the rest of my life, based on what you’ve just said Marlish! At least it gives us something to laugh about!

  2. Glen Hunting

    Re. snail shell birthday present – I once gave my father a bag of pop rivets for Father’s Day when I was about nine. I thought it was a great idea. I must ask him if he’s ever used them. He gave me to understand many years later that he thought they were a lousy present – and I can’t say I disagree. But he still has a lot of the primary school self-made cards and badges for Christmas and so forth, and they would have to be at least as bad. Maybe he’s saving them up to torment me about my innocent past someday.
    Funnily enough, my grandfather was delighted with the bottle of snail killer I bought him at about the same time…so much so that he even wrote on it who it was from, and when.

    • Hi Glen, I still have all the plaster necklaces and pasta photo frames and popstick christmas ornaments that the kids have made me too. I do love them, I just don’t want to wear them on the one time I’m being taken out to dinner at Rockpool!

  3. marlish glorie

    Hi Glen thanks for your wonderful suggestions but I’ve already tried all those strategies and more. Our son’s immune to parental abuse/guerilla warfare.
    Our son has told us that he isn’t leaving home until he’s 56 which means we won’t be empty nesters until we’re 88, something to look forward to I suppose. You wouldn’t happen to know of any nice single young women willing to take on a challenge, would you perchance Glen?

    • Glen Hunting

      Your son’s condition sounds particularly acute. I’m not confident that a loving pair of female arms (separate and distinct from your own, of course) will be enough to dislodge him from beneath your roof. Could you perhaps install a Bunnings tin shed at the bottom of your garden to house him/them?

  4. It’s more the funny things he said. When my son was 2 and toilet training, I would put a nappy on him when we went out and let him wear underpants around the house. One day we were out for a walk and I couldn’t remember what he had on. I asked him: “Jesse, are you wearing jocks?” Of course he repled: “Yes. Are you wearing knickers?”

  5. But to answer your actual question. My now 16-year-old son reminded me at the Christmas dinner table what I said to him the previous year at the Xmas dinner table (never thought I’d say this!) “I can’t wait till you start drinking. Then we can drink together!” I don’t remember saying that, but he swears I did! :-/

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